Renewing

So, I'm sitting in the library at Mississippi State, attempting to study and I began to think about some things. Just being completely honest, lately I've noticed that I've had no desire to serve God. I haven't wanted to read my Bible, I've become negative about the idea of 'organized religion', and I've thought more about myself and the things that I want to accomplish than anything God might want. And the worse part is that I was having to 'fake it', which I hate more than anything. Stuck in a rut, bogged down with life, no fire, no passion, just a sucky place to be.

I had noticed this 'drift' for a while and I began praying that God would give me the ability to love Him more, that He would take me out of the rut, and restore the joy of His salvation to me. What I got back was...silence. I started wondering if maybe God had had enough. That I had finally pushed Him to the point of no return, I had reached my sin limit, and God was done with me.

It's a very depressing thought.

Like I said at the beginning, I'm in the library. I chose to sit at one of the back desks, where no one was around and I can see out the windows. It was raining a little while ago and I just stopped studying and started watching the rain...(typical me). I started thinking about all these books in this library. At MSU, the library has several huge rooms packed full with books. All this information, all this knowledge...and it all means nothing. What good is it to me if I know everything in all these books? I could impress people with all my 'wisdom' but when I die, what does that get me?...absolutely nothing. I mean there are books in here about men who have dedicated their whole lives to studying barnacles...seriously. How ridiculous is it to dedicate your life to something so meaningless?

Then I realized,

I had been doing the same thing. I've been dedicating my life to me, something so meaningless.
Then the simple thought came to my mind...Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...the one and only thing worth anything. The only thing that outlasts death. The only thing in which anyone can find meaning.

Then outside, the rain stopped. The clouds parted, and the sun shone through. Now I'm not so selfish as to believe that God stopped the rain for me. I just think He put me in the right place at the right time. It was what I needed. It just reminded me that God still loves me, that He's not done with me, and it has sparked a renewing in me. I'm ready again, to serve God wholeheartedly and get out of this rut that I've dug myself into. He is my meaning, my purpose...

...my renewing.